David Moyes is English football's drunk dad at a wedding; the Premier League's 'Uncle Knobhead', the Prince Philip of Sunderland managers. Give the man five minutes and he'll come out with something crap. With his 'Britishness' comment the latest to give everyone a laugh and the international break affording us another all-too-pleasing sojourn from Dave's sh!te brand of football, let's celebrate the best Moyeserims of the season so far. Wibble.
He's only been in charge at the Stadium of Light for eight months, but we've already tutted plenty, rolled our eyes several times and even got a bit cross at some of the rampant b*ll*cks he's come out with.
It's very easy to have a laugh at David Moyes right now - his side are sat at the bottom of the league and about to exit the Premier League in the Scot's first season in charge - but credit the man for continually giving the neutral a bit of something to smirk about. Sadly, for those who follow Sunderland week-in-week-out, it's all a bit cringe worthy and just a tad infuriating. Here's the highlights so far;
August 2016 - After two games of the season, I predict Sunderland will be in a relegation battle.
Asked what his response would be to fans who feared another survival scrap, the soothsayer declared that the very thing which we now know has happened....erm would happen.
"They would probably be right because that's where they've been every other year for the last four years, so why would it suddenly change?"
The man who turned down the chance to manage Sunderland when Sam Allardyce took over at the Stadium of Light because he didn't fancy being involved in a relegation battle, predicted a season of toil just two games in. And he wasn't merely pondering the prospect, he was absolutely insistent that this campaign really would be crap,
"People will be flat because they are hoping that something is going to dramatically change - it can't dramatically change, it can't."
Moyes would then make certain of the unfolding relegation battle by leading his men through another eight miserable games without a win to make sure that is exactly what happened next. Wibble.
September 2016 - We haven't got enough good players to win games
The injury situation wasn't ideal but by September David Moyes was fielding all of his summer signings and still proclaiming most of the players he was picking were pretty pap.
Indeed, when Crystal Palace stunned the Stadium of Light to switch a two-goal deficit into a 3-2 win, Moyes fielded a side containing almost all of those he had brought to the club in the summer - McNair, Ndong, Manquillo, Djilobodji, Januzaj and Pienaar - all of them lined up against Alan Pardew's Eagles. And they were supplemented by the established successes of Lee Cattermole and Jan Kirchhoff to boot.
But, oblivious to the self-mocking of his summer recruitment, after the game Moyes declared,
He then claimed Sunderland were 'paying the price' for starting their summer purchasing late and only being able to get in crap footballers. Buoyed by that vote of confidence, Moyes' players would respond to his rallying cry by embarking on a stunning run of one point from their next four games. Wibble.
"Ultimately, you have to get good players on the pitch and at the moment we're not getting enough of them".
January 2017 - Any signings we make will make no difference
Moyes' now infamous doom-laden, expectation-smashing statement dismissing anyone who thought he might be able to do a bit of business to improve the side in the January window- even marginally - was stunning in its depth-dwelling misery,
"I'd be kidding you on if I said the players we're hoping to bring in this month are going to make a big difference because, first of all, we probably couldn't get that level of player, and secondly we probably don't have the finances to do that.
To suggest that a player we might bring in would be making a big difference would not be correct".
Brutal. In fairness, Moyes' January signings - Oviedo and Gibson - would react by admirably proving they aren't quite as sh!te as the manager said they would be - just. Wibble.
January 2017 - We're in the bottom 3, but roundabout where Sunderland should be
January was a particularly bleak month for Moyes-watchers. With his side bottom of the league nearing the end of the month and having only picked up two points in their previous five games, Moyes concluded that Sunderland were where they traditionally should be. As if that made everything alright - as if this really is the best any of us can hope for,
"We could probably have had another 3 points or so, but are roundabout where Sunderland should be"
His side have only collected four points since then - so god knows where Sunderland are now in relation to where they 'should be'.
March 2017 - I expected to be at the bottom of the league
Fast forward to early March and Moyes was suggesting the visit of Manchester City - who Sunderland had faced on the opening day of the season - was a chance to reflect on just how bad he thought his side would be in the intervening seven months,
"I don't think anything has changed greatly. We've generally told everyone what the situation is. We're in fighting with a few teams - which we thought we would be."
It's gotten worse since of course, with one point from the following two games opening the gap to safety to seven points. But, he expected it to be sh!te and it has been, so at least he's been proven right. Wibble.
March 2017 - I dropped my in-form record-signing because he isn't British enough
By this present March international break Moyes has proven it's now unravelling quickly in his frazzled brain. His 'Britishness' comments have led to a national outpouring of derision. Asked why he had dropped his Gabonese record-signing and in-form midfielder, Didier Ndong, the Sunderland boss claimed he had simply been born in the wrong continent,
"I wanted Jack and Gibbo together. I thought the game might suit more Britishness in the middle of the pitch".
Aside from Irishman Darron Gibson lining up alongside Swede Seb Larsson in that middle, unbelievably Didier Ndong - when he was allowed on the pitch - made more tackles in his 17 minutes than Gibson had made in his 73 or Rodwell in his 90. Wibble.
It is genuinely eyebrow raising looking back. But, whether he actually meant all of the above or not, how David Moyes is portrayed in the national conscious now is something of a parody of himself - one who simply either really does revel in the misery of it all, or who is utterly oblivious to how his words will be interpreted. Wibble.