We're a privileged lot at We Are Wearside and managed to grab some behind-the-scenes exclusives from Sunderland's post-match press conference. These are the interviews you won't see anyone else publishing, but of course they are 100% genuine (if you're reading Dave - see disclaimer). You're welcome.
Interviewer: "Fabio, what do you think went wrong this season?"
FB: "I am very disappointed my hashtag has not clicked on as much as I'd hoped. It's a wonderfully crafted pun and I just don't get it. Come on, #ThisIsFab, as in Fabio - me - and as in fabulous - which describes me perfectly. There has been a disconnect in the dressing room all season because nobody believed in my hashtag or acknowledged that I am the best.
Interviewer: "Would you say you did enough on the pitch personally? You're goal return hasn't been great."
FB: "Your goal return hasn't been great."
Interviewer: "Not really relevant given I'm not a professional footballer"
FB: "Yeah but you're a professional moron. Ha! I win. #ThisIsFab"
Interviewer: "What does relegation feel like, Lamine?"
LK "Does this mean I don't get my bonus?"
Interviewer: "I...I have no idea..."
LK: "You mean I stayed for NOTHING?!"
Interviewer: "Erm...your contract is none of my..."
LK: "What if Everton don't want me anymore?! WHAT ABOUT MY MONEY!?"
Interviewer: "David, sum up the season for us."
DM: "The players I bought are awful, but that's not my fault. The tactics I deploy are one-dimensional and ineffective, but I have the best evaaaa win ratio in Premier League history. Quite frankly, I used to manage Everton and I was brilliant. Therefore I am always brilliant. I may be here, I may not be here next season, I just have to think about how good I am and consider whether I can lower myself to Championship football. Oh, and I feel for the fans that I like to indirectly ridicule."
Interviewer: "Do you accept that you played a part in any of this?"
DM: "Errr...how about no! Why would I? I'm David Moyes."
Interviewer: "You did buy Darron Gibson though..."
DM: "I needed more Britishness in midfield, I've already been through this."
Interviewer: "But...Didier Ndong has been your best midfielder?"
DM: "It's not my fault he's not British, what more do you want me to say?"
Interviewer: "Perhaps the supporters would appreciate it if you acknowledged your part in this?"
DM: "Look, this is getting a wee bit naughty. Time for a slap young'un."
Interviewer: "Adnan, any idea what you've done since August."
AJ: "Took a girl to Nandos, the one in town isn't all that but y'know, convenient."
Interviewer: "What about, you know, football?"
AJ: "What are you talking about?"
Disclaimer: All interviews are fabricated